Motivational Speaker

If you wanna give it a go... drop over and I'll cut your hair personally.
We'll take photos.
We'll make a day of it.

I think deep down most girls have short-hair envy.
And who can blame them?
Er, you.

So anyway, my four-minute trim was followed by the shave, shower and shampoo.
Okay, no shampoo; don't need it.
More hair on my legs than my head.
Maybe I should shampoo my legs?
Probably not.
I'm digressing.
Again.

My point is this: total Craig grooming time... eleven minutes start to finish for the whole process including hair cut and getting dressed.
Let's see a chick do that!
I think not my female counterparts...

And that includes a pre-shower toilet stop.
Standing.
Say no more.
I can hear the envy from here.

Ya gotta be hatin' that whole sitting down thing... right?
A life-time of that's gotta suck?
Bummer.
Bad luck Dudes.
Sorry, Dudettes.

So the low cost, low fuss, low-maintenance 'being a man' thing got me to thinkin' that while I love girls (I mean that respectfully), I'm so glad I'm not one.
Mean that respectfully too.
I'm sure you're all glad I'm not a woman too.
I'd make one big, ugly chick that's for sure.

Apart from the fact that I can't multi-task, dance or talk when the TV's on... and I'm not pretty enough, there's probably not a big chance I'm gonna be a woman any time soon anyway... but you know what I'm talking about.

However I will admit that, as a rule, girls smell much better than us blokes.
Mostly.
Except of course, for my grade five teacher; she smelled like cheese.
Gouda, I think.
On a hot day, Parmesan.

And a warm hello to you Mrs Fraser.
Hope you're well and hope you eventually got yourself a good anti-fungal spray.

But other than a few small advantages.. being a girl kinda sucks (from over here in Boys-ville, it seems to anyway).
It's way too much hard work.
I've watched... and it's a tough gig being a female.
Much harder than being yer run-o-the-mill bloke.

I get up, clean my teeth, shave (maybe), go to the toilet vertically (jealous), shower and I'm done. Jump in the car (my-much-larger-than-necessary-and-I've-got-no-issues-man's-car) and head off to work (at my very manly gym).

Yes girls, you've definitely drawn the short straw.

So I've given this considerable thought (four minutes in the shower) and I've come up with a a pretty solid case for being a bloke... feel free to convince me otherwise.

1. Well, we've covered the hair thing and our ability to perform certain skills vertically but let's not forget our amazing ability to laugh at our own farts for eighty years.
Farts = laughter = happiness = improved emotional, mental and physical well-being.
Therefore... farts are actually therapeutic.
Didn't know that didya girls?
See, always a lesson.. even when I'm being an idiot.

2. If you're a male news-reader you can work until you're a hundred years old.
Girls.. thirty-five.
Tops.
(In this country anyway).

3. Childbirth; an incredible gift and privilege.... but jeeeeeeeez, that's gotta hurt.

4. Removal of body hair... waxing schmaxing, I say. You can have that all to yerselves.

5. Menstruation and menopause; all yours.

6. When a guy gains a few pounds; people say he's cuddly... girls don't seem to get off so lightly.

7. If a guy is good at football, he can get paid an obscene amount to kick (or throw) a ball and to try and kill other guys. On the other hand, if a girl's good at football... aah, not so advantageous.

8. If a guy turns up for a date in jeans and a cap, he's cool.
If a girl does, she's a slob.

I could go on but I don't wanna depress you.
Or incite you.
Any more than I have.

I'll leave you with these few questions. Feel free to answer one, all or none.

1. Who has it easier, guys or girls?
2. Why?
3. Has there ever been a time when you would have swapped if you could?
4. What is the best part about being a guy / girl for you?
5. Do we live in a world which is unfairly geared towards men?
6. What men don't get about women is.... ?
7. What women don't get about men is.... ?

Okay, I'm off to put my ample testosterone to good use on the bench press.
Then I might punch something.
And then eat a whole farm animal.
With my fingers.

And then laugh at one of my own farts.
For hours.

It's therapeutic, ya' know.